Men vs. Women
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A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
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